well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, holy moly jesus christ….

by kaleidegirl

ya gotta love being bipolar sometimes. ok, maybe love is a bit much but still, when you are of the rapid cycling variety you know a mood swing won’t last long and for me, i have more of the high ones than the low ones. my usual summertimesadness normally descends upon me about this time and it has started i think but i will fight it even though my usual weapons are out of reach and my woes are deeper. usually i have fun things with my daughter planned. i can’t do those things. i may not even be able to be in the water this summer. the only thing, the time i can be in the sun without the sunsickness sending me for the shade for the rest of the day. i’m not trying to be negative or pessimistic, just realistic. currently i am needing so much oxygen i need carts to carry the huge tanks i need just to go to the store. i still need it at rest and i still need it when i sleep. i usually recover my ability to breathe in room air pretty quick, at least at night. needing oxygen while sleeping kind of scares me. maybe because my cannula often slips off or away from where it should be. it doesn’t wake me and i haven’t had any too low oxygen incidents though so that’s good.

i’m diving even deeper into the diet rabbit hole. my guy did not fight me on my wish to be able to do a slim fast type diet. it may have helped that my lung dr actually suggested it as an option to deal with my weight gain due the prednisone. it really is that bad. even with what i have done so far i cannot get even one pound below 200. that is just unacceptable in so many ways. i actually had to ask my guy to buy me some sundresses because none of mine fit me. i tried to get things and sizes that will fit me ok even after i get back to a more reasonable weight. i know i’ll never be my “ideal” weight which is around 132 according to all the BMI calculations, which i normally ignore but it seems to be the way the drs look at weight esp in regard to the lung transplant. i weighed myself today, my dr wants me watching my weight daily for excess fluid retention, otherwise i would only know because of my Wii Fit routine. i finally remembered to measure myself. that is what i really pay attention to. i could lose only 5 pounds but lose inches all over and start fitting into things better. start. keyword, start. i was OK when i was in the 170-180ish range. i had decided to just stay healthy and not get higher than maybe 185 before freaking out. i wasn’t happy there and i had to fight to not obsess over losing weight. i got clothes that fit me at that size and stopped trying to get down to a size where i fit my skinny clothes. i’m lucky even now i can still shop the juniors section. i still have to upsize for things to fit properly but i can still fit into a size 15 and often still an XL. i picked out something yesterday that i would normally never wear, a strapless sundress. it is so adorable and i figure i have a strapless bra and i’m fat enough that i can keep it up and maybe it will fit just right not too tight and i won’t spill over the top. it is so cute i wish i had somewhere to go so i could wear it. that and try out the new make up i’ve gotten. finally found an affordable smokey eye palette and my guy got me this eyeliner that i have high hopes for. he sent me this video of a girl showing that you can in fact get quality make up at the drug store. this eyeliner was one of the things she showed and showed how it works and i may finally be able to get that liquid winged eyeliner look i’ve been attempting for so long now. i swear i have enough eyeliner to out last the apocalypse. once i snag that cheap version of my lime crime black i may finally have found all the right products for me. i like to find what works and stick with it.

i have somehow found myself with hobbies. i need to find time to enjoy them. used to be all i had was taking pictures and doing puzzles. i gave up on puzzles. i really really tried to learn the violin but my hands just could not do it. now i have a keyboard. a piano like keyboard. specifically the exact Yamaha keyboard i’ve been wanting since half past forever. i was really getting back to playing at first but have let it gets dusty recently and that really bugs me cuz i really wanna fucking play it. i think i will try to start working in at least 15 minutes a day right after my workout. imma set an alarm to remind me. i need to use alarms to get me back to these hobbies i now have. i think it started awhile back when i needed a creative outlet and decided to try my hand st sketching. my guy, like he always does, supplied what i needed to get started. i did it for a bit then kind of forgot about it after not having much free time or not remembering i had something more worthwhile to then be on this damn computer. i made a wedding bouquet for a friend and decided i might try my hand at making some money at it so of course my guy got me some good cutters and a nice glue gun. i have the glue gun out so i can fix my bouquet i made for our vow renewal ceremony. i may make a FB page for that but one Etsy shop is plenty and that is for my dreads, which i have really stuck with. i am actually making money at it, not much yet but i am confident i will and i get better at it every day. my guy has invested much less in this and that makes me feel quite accomplished and adulty. he has still invested in me with this but i have actually spent a good deal investing in it myself which i normally can’t really do much at all. i think the only other hobby i’ve picked up is coloring in those adult coloring books that are all the rage these days. i have enough to last until they are hard to find. i haven’t done much but i want to put these things and the sketching stuff more in sight so i will get back to it. oh, i have a music mixing program that my guy found me and i really want to spend time on that. a friend who definitely has far less free time somehow manages to put a playlist up on this site, Mixcrate, every month. this girl, she really inspires me. in so many ways. as far as this music thing, i don’t know how she does it. not just the mix but the creativity in the titles and “cover art”. i’m really happy for her that she is mysteriously able to do it. i imagine it gives her things that help her survive each day of OMG i could never handle ALL OF THAT. i had a lot of fun when i did the DJ thing even if i sucked at it most of the time. i wanna do this. and i kind of am. i’m exploring new music, bands i’ve never listened to. i’m filling a folder of songs to use and making notes of bands and songs to get. i’m gonna do these things.

i always wished i had hobbies, well now i do. i might be a little less miserable or a little less manic if i had my mind on something meaningful even if it is just learning a song on the piano or sketching a real picture or making a good mix. i know these are small things even in my world but i have to give my life more meaning, give it more life. i am trying to get on the transplant list for some working lungs and i was reminded yesterday that in order for that to happen someone else has to die. i want to be worth that, i want my life to mean enough to save at the expense of another human life. i can’t live in this inbetween. not with the way i carry guilt. i have to really live life or give up. i can’t have both. no heads AND tails. so i decided to really live. giving up just isn’t something i want to even think about. it would be incredibly selfish as hard as this is to say, i would be hurting the people i care most about. my normal opinion would be that i would not be missed or my loved ones would be better off without me but they have made it pretty clear that i am loved, wanted and even needed and that is a feeling i am still adjusting to, still processing.

i never went to the church the other day like i said i might. the longer it is put off the more it scares me so it likely may never happen and thats fine i guess. my reasons don’t exist simply on the basis of going to church. that is just a part of it that i wanted to explore. try it on, see if it really fits like i feel it might.

oh.

i’m making pies again. i can’t use the oven so i’ve been looking up no-bake pies. which is the best to be having this time of year anyway. i will be able to use the oven by the the end of summer. this is not optional. i will make this happen. the only thing that i will allow to put me in the hospital or be unable to do things is being in the hospital getting new lungs.

so that is my rambling for the day.

i’ve got an hour to do any important things that need doing. making an appt with my therapist, finding a way to wrap my daughter’s birthday gift ((holy fuck she will be 21 in a week)), any calls or other things my guy needs me to do etc etc so forth and so on.

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