this shit will fuck you up

by kaleidegirl

well fuck this shit.

it is definitely time to take one of those social vacations. i’m far too sensitive to handle the social drama floating around in my life and in my head. because you know, everyone hates me, i’m sure of it ((for those who don’t get that, i’m referring to my constant fear that everyone hates, fear being the keyword, i “know” not everyone actually hates me)) i never expect anyone to cater to my sensitivities and censor themselves or do anything to placate me. i just do my best to ignore it and move along. sometimes there is too much and i get this overwhelming desire to turn off my phone and put away my laptop. like in its case and up on the closet shelf. away. away. away. i even got out my real camera to take pictures.

btw, i’ll putting up the pics i got last night.i think some were pretty damn good. we’ll see how they look on the computer.

so i’m not going to be ignoring anyone, i just won’t be opening FB on my phone unless i have a lot of notifications and then i will reply to anything directed at me specifically. i’m only posting about this because i am online quite a bit usually and i don’t want anyone, certain people especially, to think i’m pissed off or something. its getting kind of ridiculous how often so many people need to do this so my new goal is to never need to again. they say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit. well ignoring my phone is something i would like to get in the habit of.

in other news the last week or so has been a mixed bag. last Monday and this past Satruday were the worst. things did get better Sunday though. family is visiting and its been fun. it always is. i’m not one of those “freak out! guests are coming!” type people. we keep the place pretty tidy even with my limitations. my guy did hire a maid service to be sure the house was thoroughly cleaned. he works a lot then comes home and works a lot on the yard and i, well i have limitations so there were things due for a cleaning. normally though, fresh linens on the guest bed is usually all i really worry about when expecting guests. my guy is bit pickier but my point is, i’m not stressing over it. which is good because i have enough imaginary issues to stress about.

i’m seeing my therapist today and not a moment too soon. the hopelessness and depression of all i can’t do is creeping into my brain far more than it should and far more than i’m finding myself able to handle. i’m really putting on that fake smile with some extra adhesive because sometimes inside i’m just a wreck. a serious wreck. i don’t find therapy overly helpful unless i have a good therapist and can go on the regular so now that i have a good one i need to start going at least once a week. i actually really do need it.

you know, it really sucks that i feel guilty for every little “luxury” i have like good health insurance, a helpful supportive wonderful husband that i often take for granted, time to do things, a car and the ability to drive it, and other things like that. i know its my fault but i feel really fucking awful when i feel the need to rant a little or i complain about something and realize i don’t really have any right to. i know that just because someone has it worse doesn’t mean my feelings are invalid, well i’m trying to remember this because that is like saying someone has it better than me so i can’t be happy. i could be a bitch at every single guilt trip just because i have to struggle just to breathe, but that is just cruel. it is no one else’s fault that i have lung disease. just like its not my fault you can’t pay your bills or your husband is a jerk or you can’t afford a car. everyone has problems right? everyone has something someone else wishes they could have right? so why am i sitting here feeling guilty because i have the means to see a therapist every week if i want to???

i seriously do have enough guilt to start my own religion. that should be my next fucking tattoo after the one i’m getting tomorrow. oh, yeah. how dare i be able to get a tattoo. i’m not actually able to. if you knew what i will have to do with my finances to make that happen you might still think i’ve got a lot of nerve enjoying such a luxury but at least you would see what i am giving up to do it.

i do feel really bad, like horribly irresponsible for how i rewarded myself for finally losing weight. ((which i am sure i have gained right back)). my guy sends me links to things he sees online that he knows i will like and therefore want. sometimes i cave and i fucking buy it. i did that twice this past weekend. one was something i have been wanting but haven’t found at a good price. the other is something i am just tired of not having. apparently other people agree because two others in addition to my husband posted it on my timeline. i’ll have to make a profile pic of me wearing it for when it comes floating around again. not that i mind. i think it is super sweet that people who know what i really like make sure i know about it. as for rewarding myself i have planned out my next three rewards. they say not to reward yourself with food, this is a nice convenient way for me to justify buying myself shit. i have these three things on my wishlist that go together and i figure if i reward myself with one at a time i will be even more motivated to keep working to lose this weight. it is stationary because i miss writing letters. its probably not a good idea to treat myself to clothes for losing weight when the idea is to fit back into the clothes i have not have more to fit this fat person i am.

oh. my busted lungs.

despite hitting a minor “fuck this prednisone taper” setback, i am still making good progress improving my lung function. i don’t know if that is what the drs would call it but needing less supplemental oxygen sounds like better lung function to me. i don’t need it all while at rest or sleeping. i wait to take it off until i am fully recovered from being up and about but after that i’m good to go. i added a couple poses to my yoga routine on the Wii Fit and can do my workout at as low as 6L. one of my goals has been to be off the high flow cannula and using the regular one. for some reason that is a big deal to me. maybe because i don’t remember needing the high flow the first time i came home from the hospital on lots of O2 so i feel like if i can get down to that then i will be back to where i was at this liter flow the first time i came home and not so much worse. i’m getting around the stores at 6L even and that is pretty awesome. i could theoretically bump down to smaller tanks for short trips out which would be really awesome because i’d rather carry a smaller tank than wheel around the big ones. even if i have to switch them out more. so i am trying the regular cannula today. so far i am doing just as well on it as i was the high flow. up and around and as little as 4L. so if i can do my workout at 6L with the regular one then i think it is safe to switch to it. i have an extra high flow that is small enough to keep in my purse just in case i need it so yeah. that is my goal for today. i’m seeing one of the transplant drs on Friday. i’m so glad i have my medically trained sister in law here to go with me for this very important appt. i’ve met this dr and she is a bit surly so i’l be anxious trying to not to annoy her and that will distract me from asking the right questions and remembering all the answers. not to mention my sis will know what to ask AND is a great in attack mode when drs and nurses aren’t doing their job. she really stood up for me when i was stuck at that awful hospital after my biopsy.

i hope i don’t get a lecture about my weight. being on “vacation” isn’t great for my diet. i’m still trying very hard to stick to it but then i eat or drink something and feel really guilty and really stupid about. i hope that bariatric surgery is not something they do for people in my situation. i only thought of this when i learned my BMI is borderline to qualify for one of those surgeries. i’m pretty sure though that they want transplant patients to be able to get their weight down and keep it down on their own. my family dr says i’ve lost 7 pounds since May so i hope the transplant team sees that as adequate progress.

hope. hope. hope.

 

i got some good photos last night that i want to check out and i need to get away from this damn life sucking machine.

 

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