suspense is controlling my mind, i can’t find a way out of here

by kaleidegirl

eager, nervous, excited, scared. the transplant process is moving quickly and i’m ready to get through this and breathe without oxygen again. i’m also a little bit terrified of the surgery because it is so complicated and the initial recovery is such serious business.

but i’ve got this.

so everyone says.

in other news i want to get back to caring more about my appearance. in a good way. taking better care of my skin and practicing the make up techniques that i still pretty much suck at. i have a good contouring palette and i want to make use of it. a real social life would help all of this immensely. something else i need to work on.

seriously. are people avoiding me? if they are is it my fault or is it fear of my illness? what the what people? just tell me. seriously. i’m a big girl. clearly i am a bit sensitive but i would rather know than assume the worst.

i need to sell some damn hair. for real. not only am i bit bored and not wanting to use up my hair just making my own creations to sell i also NEED to make a couple hundred bucks on the quick so i can get my last two tattoos. i’m worried i won’t be able to get them before i am listed for transplant and they are the last two important ones i have been wanting.

yes, my ink is that important to me. it is forever and i am not going to live my life as if i don’t have some kind of forever left in this world. i am making it a point to do things that involve being around a good long while.

for someone who was once passively suicidal and certain the world would be better off without me i am surprised at my motivation to live to old age. people also seem to genuinely want me around and as hard as that is to wrap my mind around it still makes me a bit warm and fuzzy inside. i feel liked. i feel loved. i feel wanted. i must be interesting in some way or something. i feel like i matter.