don’t listen to a word i say

by kaleidegirl

my world is kind of a mess. for me anyway. its tiring but i struggle restlessly to fall asleep. hopefully that gets better as i figure out which new med is really causing it. i hope its the one ive stopped already. im so very tired and my body is weak. ihopehopehope its the medication. this cant be my life.

protecting everyone from the reality of my illness is tiring and sad and lonely. i was asked if i had all my affairs in order and i soon realized what a relief it was to be honest about all of this reality.

im frequently terrified of dying but im not allowed to talk about that. i dont want to be but i am and its scary and its so lonely living with it so quietly. sometimes i just can’t fight the scary.

when i can do something fun its easier to forget the very scary reality. unfortunately my life is mostly not fun and full of too much killing time. full of anxiety. uncomfortable just leaving the house on my own. something i thought was in my past. i feel like i need someone else to get me out of this house. sometimes that someone is the pup but walking has been so hard with this weakness.

this side effect game is getting real old. always something. something.

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