“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: September, 2016

am i worth coming home to?

i have been wondering why i bother

my days are too long

my nights too restless

i can’t sleep because i am anxious

i am anxious because i can’t sleep

my hot cider is too hot

it makes me strip away my sweater

and push aside the comfort of my blanket

but it is the most happy i can find

in a whole day

the music is never loud enough

to drown out these thoughts

i am skipping every song even though

i love them all

nothing fits the way it should

i don’t fit here

i drive the speed limit these days

these days i have no where to be

my days are far too empty

nothing here to occupy me

i’m afraid to go to the basement alone

haunted by demons imagined in a movie

i saw weeks ago

i hate my hair

it grows so slowly

i hate my face

it is far too fat

i want to climb up

out of this deep deep hole

full of nothing

not even me really here

less and less of me every day

especially if the thought of food

keeps turning my stomach

so i keep wondering

why do i bother

why does he bother

why should they

and so each day goes slowly by

as i sit pointlessly and wonder why

i’m not trying

to pull you in to my misery

this pit of pity

i have let consume me

i forgot to mention i am dying

i feel like a petulant Georgia Lass

whining for this life

when i’m not doing anything with it

 

 

i will lose my shit if even one more person i know dies

i feel like i haven’t been online in weeks but in reality i have just not actually been on my computer. smartphones.

kind of a lot has happened recently. some good some really really really incredibly awful. am i a horrible person if i don’t want to blog about the awful? if you know me i hope you will forgive me and not think me horrible and insensitive. i know i have been selfish in dealing with things recently. both good and bad. i suppose i am protecting myself. physically and emotionally. i have not been as present as i should be for my dearest friends and i feel so terribly about that.

i can’t. i just can’t. i am just not that strong and crying uses up more oxygen than i have.

 

there is good. despite the bad.

my health is really improving. i was slow to realize it i think. i’m not needing my oxygen nearly as much as i was even a week ago. i now have just one machine for use at home and while out. it only goes up to 3Liters where everything else i had before went up to as high as 15Liters. i haven’t used any supplemental oxygen today. i haven’t gone anywhere or really exerted myself but i have been up and down the stairs and done 10 minutes on my treadmill. the last time i was on a treadmill i needed 6Liters. 6. granted that was a few weeks ago now but damn. 6 to room air. i have got to be too healthy to be listed for a transplant right now. that is a good thing. the longer i can keep my own lungs the longer i am here. of course a transplant is pretty inevitable but i’m hoping to hold it off as long as possible. i won’t fight being listed. the drs know better than i do but i will make sure they know how good i am doing. i have to be well on my way to being off of oxygen.

the other good is that the dr who caused my late diagnosis is finally being held accountable. even if it doesn’t make it to court his malpractice insurance has to have gone up just from my complaint and the fact that it is being investigated. i have actually realized that it hasn’t been 2 years yet since the last x ray he had done that showed i HAD lung disease. like the report says i did. the last x ray he had done was February of 2015. so it won’t be 2 years until February of 2017. this is relevant because there is  2 year statute of limitations plus 6 months after realizing the injury occurred. i’m not after money as much as him being held accountable and hopefully keeping this from happening to anyone else. so much would be different for me right now if i had known about my lung disease sooner. i may have been able to avoid the biopsy that went horribly wrong or at least been healthier for it. i might not be using oxygen right now AT ALL and would likely not be even considered for transplant. that is all fucking huge. he shortened my life. literally.

in pettier news…

i still hate my hair but it is growing faster than usual thanks to awesome vitamins. seriously. those hair skin nails vitamins really do fucking work. my skin isn’t much better than usual but my hair and nails are growing like WOAH. my nails are super strong too. but really i do hate my hair.

i finally found a diet that works and have a treadmill to get in some real exercise. i’m doing a low carb diet. i cheated a lot the past week but today i am back on top of things. had a ridiculously low carb shake for breakfast and planning a veggie wrap for lunch. these wraps only have like 6carbs and the veggies even less almost none. having a low carb dinner of pork and veggies and brown rice. i really shouldn’t have much of the rice if i want to stick my super low carb limitations but its brown rice so it isn’t quite as bad for me, right?

i’m hoping to see my toddler nephew and baby niece today. i want to be sure to spend more time with all of the family and friends in my world. life is too fucking short. i’m also excited about the new addition to the family arriving in November.