i’m gonna make this place your home

by kaleidegirl

i’m sitting here kind of just staring at my computer screen wondering where my voice went. i remember when i couldn’t shut up to the point that i was sure i was so annoying people couldn’t stand me. i don’t know who i am these days. is this who i am or is this a phase of depression and inertia due to perpetual lack of sleep? i really do literally, yes literally, toss and turn in bed for hours. i don’t think i got any sleep the last few nights til as late as 4 or so in the morning and i only slept just long enough to be out cold when my husband kissed me goodbye when he left for work , that is about 6 am.. he kisses me goodbye every single morning. i know this because he has told me when he is careful to kiss me gently trying not to wake me when he knows i’m desperate for sleep. i have missed those kisses the past couple nights. when i sleep earlier in the night i’m awake for them. i can count on one hand the amount of nights i have gotten more than 4 straight hours of sleep in the last maybe 3 months? before that i don’t remember how bad this lack of sleep issue was but i know my sleep has been an issue in one way or another since about July when i stopped taking my anxiety/sleep med. i had to stop it because of the impending lung transplant. so yeah. when people ask how i am doing my answer is “i’m not sleeping but otherwise ok”. not sleeping has become a huge deal. i think honestly it is due to anxiety. i was never even tired until i started  this new medication that my transplant dr prescribed. i was so anxious and restless that i couldn’t lay still and had to go toss and turn in the guest bed to avoid disturbing my husband. i still toss and turn all night but i am actually tired, i can lay still longer and i hope my sleeplessness is less annoying these past few days. i’m so grateful to find myself yawning as i type this. i don’t want to be exhausted all the time but it is nice to not be so amped up with anxiety that i couldn’t even have one cup of coffee. i haven’t really needed coffee since maybe my days as a server on the graveyard shift but i like to have my coffee. it is part of my morning routine.424 words about not sleeping. i suppose that says something about how bad it is. or maybe how obsessed i am with it. i love sleeping. i envy people who can just fall asleep effortlessly. my husband puts away his tablet and rolls over and is asleep with a couple minutes. he’s a light sleeper so he wakes a little bit if i move too much when he’s got his arm over me but he goes right back to sleep. my friend Sarah can sleep like its her job. i envy you sleeping people.

i have gotten my weight back down to below the target weight for being on the transplant list despite my laziness. i don’t know if this is because of the other med i tried again for sleep, because it gave me a couple nights sleep the first time i tried it at what turned out to be too high a dosage. i haven’t had the crazy prednisone appetite that was making weight loss nearly impossible. maybe also i am burning extra calories tossing and turning at night so much. ha! knowing i am losing weight despite everything else has lifted some anxiety. if i can’t keep my weight down i get taken off the transplant list until its down again and that is just unacceptable. i’m not ok with being 190+# at all anyway so not being able to stay at or below 192 just stresses me out like woah. today i’m at 191, down from 193 yesterday. i’m not real interested in eating until later in the day and even then if i eat too much i feel over full and wish i hadn’t eaten so much. i feel better when i am not hungry all the time. i’m still eating, i don’t need a lecture about how starving is the worst way to lose weight. i know this but i also know i have to eat much less to lose weight and i have to avoid carbs the very best i can. maybe drinking tons more water is helping as well. the psych dr said i needed lots of water with the med he just prescribed cuz it can be hard on my kidneys. so i drink tons more water and i was already pretty much only drinking water. thank you husband for the sodastream. i love my bubbles!

i wish i had things going on in my life that weren’t entirely health related. every little thing is about these busted lungs and not sleeping and crazy anxiety. do i have a real life anymore? i used to have something like a social life but the anxiety got so bad i haven’t even been to pulmonary rehab. that needs to change now that my carpal tunnel is under control and i can use all of the equipment there. i don’t want my drs at U of M thinking i’m being non-compliant. i’ve just been using my treadmill at home and i have this floor peddling thing that is the same as the stationary bike. basically i’ve been doing the same amount of exercise at home. i need to get out of this house. i need to find more in life than being sick. the next couple weeks are going to eat up my money. i have several appts. a couple of them being in Ann Arbor so there goes my money into my gas tank. i would rather spend that money on snobby coffee with Jocelyn and breakfast dates with Mary and visits to see the mamas and bebes in the family. these kids grow up so fast and i’m missing out on it. i’m looking forward to the holiday more than usual. Mary will be here for xmas eve and morning like when she lived with us. we will watch all of our movies and eat italian food like we used to always do. last year wasn’t bad but this year she seems so much more into the holiday. she had her tree up before we did and she put up lights and set up a christmas village with the stuff that we had extra of. she came over to make cookies. its been a nice time. i love seeing her so happy.

what a jumbling mess of a blog this is. i should save this useless babble for my journal.

i have been debating even posting this but i took the time to type it all out so here you go.