try, try, try again

by kaleidegirl

i had big plans yesterday to get my self back on track eating healthy again and to put together a solid workout routine.

i’m off to a bad start. i had a cookie for breakfast.

i can still turn things around. i started a journal last night specifically to keep track of my eating and exercise.  i have daily goals to check off each day to hold me accountable. even with the holiday, well up to the actual holiday, i managed to keep my weight below the limit for transplant. i didn’t weigh myself on xmas day or yesterday but i will tomorrow to see how far off track i really am.

in addition to needing to be strong and healthy for transplant, well, i have just become disgusted with myself. i’m so fat. my hair is so short. i just don’t even want to look at myself. i need to start taking better care of my appearance. i need to put on make up when i go out and wear real clothes, not just leggings and sweaters. i’m getting my dreads put back in this week. i can’t care what anyone thinks. i need to do what i can to make seeing myself in the mirror every day less depressing. i have tried to make peace with my appearance. not to the point of giving up on losing weight and being healthier. just enough to make life more bearable while i am working to lose this weight. i have failed miserably. my “ugly xmas sweater” that i wore on xmas eve was too tight and i was so upset with how i looked in it when i saw pictures. i wore this adorable elf sweater dress on xmas and i was so hyper aware of how tight it was and how huge my arms were even under the sweater i wore to hide them. i hated those pictures too.

so i need to lose this weight. i looked in to this DDP Yoga that people have been talking about on FB. i saw some success story videos and the people in them were morbidly obese and had serious physical limitations but this program helped them get healthy and one man even regained the ability to walk. so these people are losing like 100+ lbs in 6 months or something and i only need to lose 50# tops. this should be fairly easy for me to do if i can just stick to it. i won’t be buying the DVD’s. i will just work with whatever is available on the YouTube and add my usual yoga routine. yoga really is the best for me with my breathing problems. i just can’t do any kind of cardio. so i will do the yoga and my usual strength training and do my best to stick to it. there is no reason for me to be so fat. it isn’t right to absolutely loathe my reflection. i have to do all i can.

i’ll save my thoughts and reflections on this ending year for another day. there are still a few days left for more horrible things. more reasons to be so ready to say goodbye to 2016.