“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: January, 2017

so just pull on your face, just pull on your feet

my first make up review post. because recently i have gotten very into make up. i’ve been having a lot of fun with it, getting better at certain aspects and learning a lot of new things. it has basically become a new hobby so i have started really expanding my arsenal of make up.

i know today is a dark day for all of us and i want to recognize that but i also need to not think about it because it quite literally makes me cry. so i’m doing this.

today is eye shadow.

for awhile now i have been using Urban Decay ‘BLACKOUT’. i love it. very pigmented which i found hard to find in a black shadow. it has been my go to ever since i found it. up until recently i always did a very basic smokey eye kind of look and this shadow works great for that. my second favorite is also Urban Decay. it is part of their ‘Moondust” line and it is ‘MOONSPOON”. a basic silver glittery shade. it can be subtle or more dramatic the more you layer it. i had high hopes for this due to knowing the high quality Urban Decay offers and it definitely delivers. the first glitter shadow i tried was Wet n Wild ColorIcon in ‘SPIKED’ and it was sticky and i had to really layer and layer to get the desired effect and honestly never really did. it is just so sticky that most of it stays on the brush. the last Urban Decay shadow i have was given to me by a friend who somehow magically for no known reason receives make up samples constantly. it is a neutral somewhat shimmery shade. i found it works well for blending when you want a more natural blend. it looks like it could be one of the shades in their Naked palettes.



its not a great pic but this is what i did yesterday with the above shades. the lips were tricky and not as good as i had hoped. the black lipstick i used was ‘elf’ and i love ‘elf’ as much as the next girl but this black was just awful. think Halloween store awful.it even broke while i was using it and i had only used it a couple times. i wanted a glittery black lip so i used a small brush and gently applied the UD ‘MOONSPOON’ and it worked OK. i plan to try again with better quality black lipstick. i’ll be doing a lipstick review post soon. also glitters or as my bestie calls it, “stripper dust”. i’m awaiting more hardcore glitters. the UD ‘moonspoon’ is just not as obnoxious as i’m wanting.


the next two were purchased at http://www.ikatehouse.com/ based on a review video on YouTube about surprisingly good quality make up for cheap and i was not disappointed. i got an eye shadow palette and 2 individual shadows. the palette is made by BeautyTreats and has an equal amount of natural shades and bright colors.  i’ve only gotten into it once but the two colors i used were great. i did a pink sparkly look and the pink went on great. well pigmented, looked just as expected. the individual shadows i got were made by City Color. one is a shimmery deep grey called ‘Oh so Naughty’. i LOVE this stuff and sadly i accidentally dropped it today but i’m hoping i can still get full use of it. anyway. it is a real smooth multi faceted shimmery shadow. i’ve used it alone and with black for a shimmery smokey eye. the other City Color shade i got was a more matte shade called ‘Girls Night’. its a sort of rosy color and looks nice for a subtle splash of color. i definitely recommend trying out City Colors for in expensive high quality shadow. i don’t seem to have any pics of these. i need to find a better way to get good pics of my eye shadow fun.


the most daring shade i have ever worn is the Manic Panic ‘VAMPIRE RED’. my husband got me this off my amazonwishlist and until i used it i had no idea how much i truly needed this in my life. i don’t know how often i will be bold enough to wear it. i might get hooked on it as i perfect using it. it goes on smoothly and is nice a deep red just like you would hope upon seeing it. the packaging is cute too.



again, not a great pic. i’m working on it, i promise.

the last shadow is a small smokey eye palette with the best name ever. its another Wet n Wild Coloricon called ‘Don’t Steal My Thunder’. for the price it works pretty well. i mostly used it for the white and silver. the black, like so many, is just not dark enough.


so there you go. my little opinion on these make ups i have. my husband is the awesome guy that bought all of these for me. i think he likes it when i find something to do with myself. also, he just spoils me in general. i do my best to not take his awesomeness for granted. that poor guy listens to me ramble about make up like a champ!

what do you use? what are your faves? please share!



“End the Diagnosis Era”

this woman is an insanely talented writer. i’m trying to boost this post because i think it is a very important perspective and could really benefit so many people struggling on a day to day basis with mental illness and the consequences of medication.


Kayla's Welfare

Is it introvert vs. extrovert, or empath vs. narcissist?

Are you depressed, or does the oversaturation of tragedy you are exposed to every day of your life make you overwhelmed with sadness because you have a heart?

Do you have anxiety, or do you get so nervous you freak out because things get potentially weird quickly?

Are you paranoid, or are are you aware of the fact that you live in a dangerous world and you should always be alert to protecting yourself; especially if you are a female?

I rarely hear a person say, “This is my weakness. I have to try harder than most others to do this.”

I mostly hear, “I have/am (insert label or diagnosis here). I can’t do that.”

Will I make my daughter with Cerebral Palsy in her legs join a kickball team? No, that would be ludicrous. But will I ever tell her…

View original post 940 more words

i take it all for granted even though i know so much better but it takes a strength i haven’t found

i wish i was sleeping better but i’m hesitant to complain. a few weeks ago i was struggling so hard to sleep that i couldn’t lay still in bed and i was “waking up” in a debilitating panic. the only way i found myself able to get through the day was to mindlessly surf the internet in an attempt to not just distract myself but to somehow get through each day. i tried to do other things but i never learned to have hobbies and it is difficult to focus on one thing. that is why the internet is such a good way to cope for me. i bounce from one thing to another not needing to really settle into one thing. distraction is my best defense.

sleep is my escape and i really need to escape. i keep hoping sleep will be more like sleep once we get this Seroquel dose to that sweet spot where it works but doesn’t work so well that taking it is worse than not. i’m seeing the transplant psychiatrist on the 17th, less than a week from now. the pressure is on to make the most of this appointment. i have this bad habit of not really being prepared. going in fairly clueless about how to explain how things are. i leave remembering things i meant to say, realizing things i hadn’t until i was asked and of course when asked i had no idea how to answer. i basically leave psychiatric appointments needing to go right back in because of all the things that are suddenly so important, but i can’t, i have to sit on these things and deal with them best i can for weeks at a time. so in an effort to be prepared for an appointment almost 2 hours away, an appointment that will decide if my status on the transplant list will be active again, i am trying to make mental notes and i’m paying attention to my medication and my sleep and experimenting with what works best. i’m on a self run medication roller coaster with this Seroquel.  i should be taking actual notes, on paper.

so i wrote some stuff down. i hate when i know i should do something like that and just…well don’t. for no good reason. like i should use moisturizer every day and have plenty of good quality stuff that my skin just loves but until recently i was just lazy as fuck. i’m working on taking better care of myself more fully. eating healthy, drinking more water, exercising, caring for my skin. these things that should be part of my daily life and routine since forever but are just becoming things that i do only recently.

on the topic of doing things that are good for me i have found myself a couple of hobbies. things that do require some money but not for the purpose of making money so less pressure to be good at them. i’ve always been into make up and hair, typical girling things but have recently found that i can have fun doing these things even if i have no where to go. putting on make up was always a thing i did to feel less hideous when going out into the world. the more people i would see, the more effort i put in and i don’t mind the effort, it is fun. really. i have a friend who leaves the house even less than i do but spends far more on make up and has fun with it just because. when i do see her she has fun eye make up and colorful nails going on. my husband got me the fantastic red eye shadow i had on my amazonwishlist and i wanted to wear it properly so i watched some tutorials and tried it out and thus a hobby was born. i still need to work on getting good pics of these looks i am practicing. another friend does something i like to do but never let myself really get into because for as vain and exhibitionist i am, i am equally self conscious. she has fun with self portraits. she takes great photos and shows off a fun creative personality. i am hoping i can channel my meager photography skills to have fun getting good pics of this make up shenanigans.

so yeah, i’m putting on make up every day just for the fucking fuck of it.

another fun thing i am doing is mixing music and uploading mixes online for all the world to listen to and probably cringe at. well i have only successfully made one. it was a practice thing. a way to see how the recording and uploading aspect works. i will practice more while i curate a couple mixes i have rolling around in my head. i have wanted to do this for awhile and even attempted it about a year ago. that is when my husband said he gave me the program i am using. i struggled so hard to use the computer mixer which is not as easy as an actual mixer. i still haven’t figured out how, if it is even possible, to adjust the crossfader setting. that alone infuriates the ever loving fuck out of me. i struggle bussed so hard a year ago that i just flat out gave up. i’m a quitter. i tried again yesterday and was mildly successful at at least working the damn program. i plan to investigate using the mixer set up we have in the basement which would be much easier for me. see i kind of did the DJ thing many moons ago. my husband has DJ’d for many many years. at clubs and internet radio. we actually met when he was DJ’ing at goth night. i went to goth night religiously every week. those days, those days were love. anyway. we went to Detroit many a weekend to enjoy and participate in the airing of an internet radio program that he had been involved since it started or very nearly. it was great fun. i eventually had to tackle the DJ thing myself and i had a blast. we haven’t gone there in years. i don’t even know if it is still a thing. the guy that runs it doesn’t want anything to do with me and my husband doesn’t go do stuff like that without me. i wouldn’t mind, its just a thing with him. we very rarely do things on our own outside the house. he likes it that way but i’m honestly not a big fan of sitting in front of the TV every day all evening but what else am i doing with my life? right? he has been asked to DJ at a new (not really new anymore, we just never go) goth venue and i oh so hope that he does because i love that sort of thing. as i said, goth night is love.

i am more or less working on having a life and learning how to hobby.

life goals yo.

i’m doing life like other people. imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? right. so thanks Jocy Wocy for inspiring me to have fun with make up even if i got no where to be. thank you Sara for not being afraid to express your self through photography in all the fun creative ways that you do. Sara is also to blame for inspiring me to find a way to do something i once loved.

i’m a big fat copying copy cat and i have to just be OK with that because i don’t know how to have an original thought or idea on my own and i need things to be a things in my life.

here is my practice mix