i take it all for granted even though i know so much better but it takes a strength i haven’t found

by kaleidegirl

i wish i was sleeping better but i’m hesitant to complain. a few weeks ago i was struggling so hard to sleep that i couldn’t lay still in bed and i was “waking up” in a debilitating panic. the only way i found myself able to get through the day was to mindlessly surf the internet in an attempt to not just distract myself but to somehow get through each day. i tried to do other things but i never learned to have hobbies and it is difficult to focus on one thing. that is why the internet is such a good way to cope for me. i bounce from one thing to another not needing to really settle into one thing. distraction is my best defense.

sleep is my escape and i really need to escape. i keep hoping sleep will be more like sleep once we get this Seroquel dose to that sweet spot where it works but doesn’t work so well that taking it is worse than not. i’m seeing the transplant psychiatrist on the 17th, less than a week from now. the pressure is on to make the most of this appointment. i have this bad habit of not really being prepared. going in fairly clueless about how to explain how things are. i leave remembering things i meant to say, realizing things i hadn’t until i was asked and of course when asked i had no idea how to answer. i basically leave psychiatric appointments needing to go right back in because of all the things that are suddenly so important, but i can’t, i have to sit on these things and deal with them best i can for weeks at a time. so in an effort to be prepared for an appointment almost 2 hours away, an appointment that will decide if my status on the transplant list will be active again, i am trying to make mental notes and i’m paying attention to my medication and my sleep and experimenting with what works best. i’m on a self run medication roller coaster with this Seroquel.  i should be taking actual notes, on paper.

so i wrote some stuff down. i hate when i know i should do something like that and just…well don’t. for no good reason. like i should use moisturizer every day and have plenty of good quality stuff that my skin just loves but until recently i was just lazy as fuck. i’m working on taking better care of myself more fully. eating healthy, drinking more water, exercising, caring for my skin. these things that should be part of my daily life and routine since forever but are just becoming things that i do only recently.

on the topic of doing things that are good for me i have found myself a couple of hobbies. things that do require some money but not for the purpose of making money so less pressure to be good at them. i’ve always been into make up and hair, typical girling things but have recently found that i can have fun doing these things even if i have no where to go. putting on make up was always a thing i did to feel less hideous when going out into the world. the more people i would see, the more effort i put in and i don’t mind the effort, it is fun. really. i have a friend who leaves the house even less than i do but spends far more on make up and has fun with it just because. when i do see her she has fun eye make up and colorful nails going on. my husband got me the fantastic red eye shadow i had on my amazonwishlist and i wanted to wear it properly so i watched some tutorials and tried it out and thus a hobby was born. i still need to work on getting good pics of these looks i am practicing. another friend does something i like to do but never let myself really get into because for as vain and exhibitionist i am, i am equally self conscious. she has fun with self portraits. she takes great photos and shows off a fun creative personality. i am hoping i can channel my meager photography skills to have fun getting good pics of this make up shenanigans.

so yeah, i’m putting on make up every day just for the fucking fuck of it.

another fun thing i am doing is mixing music and uploading mixes online for all the world to listen to and probably cringe at. well i have only successfully made one. it was a practice thing. a way to see how the recording and uploading aspect works. i will practice more while i curate a couple mixes i have rolling around in my head. i have wanted to do this for awhile and even attempted it about a year ago. that is when my husband said he gave me the program i am using. i struggled so hard to use the computer mixer which is not as easy as an actual mixer. i still haven’t figured out how, if it is even possible, to adjust the crossfader setting. that alone infuriates the ever loving fuck out of me. i struggle bussed so hard a year ago that i just flat out gave up. i’m a quitter. i tried again yesterday and was mildly successful at at least working the damn program. i plan to investigate using the mixer set up we have in the basement which would be much easier for me. see i kind of did the DJ thing many moons ago. my husband has DJ’d for many many years. at clubs and internet radio. we actually met when he was DJ’ing at goth night. i went to goth night religiously every week. those days, those days were love. anyway. we went to Detroit many a weekend to enjoy and participate in the airing of an internet radio program that he had been involved since it started or very nearly. it was great fun. i eventually had to tackle the DJ thing myself and i had a blast. we haven’t gone there in years. i don’t even know if it is still a thing. the guy that runs it doesn’t want anything to do with me and my husband doesn’t go do stuff like that without me. i wouldn’t mind, its just a thing with him. we very rarely do things on our own outside the house. he likes it that way but i’m honestly not a big fan of sitting in front of the TV every day all evening but what else am i doing with my life? right? he has been asked to DJ at a new (not really new anymore, we just never go) goth venue and i oh so hope that he does because i love that sort of thing. as i said, goth night is love.

i am more or less working on having a life and learning how to hobby.

life goals yo.

i’m doing life like other people. imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? right. so thanks Jocy Wocy for inspiring me to have fun with make up even if i got no where to be. thank you Sara for not being afraid to express your self through photography in all the fun creative ways that you do. Sara is also to blame for inspiring me to find a way to do something i once loved.

i’m a big fat copying copy cat and i have to just be OK with that because i don’t know how to have an original thought or idea on my own and i need things to be a things in my life.

here is my practice mix