‘i will let this monument represent a moment of my life’

its been about 3 months since my last post.

i’ve been on the transplant list about 7 months. i know that isn’t a long time but i’m getting quite impatient. i’m less and less worried about the surgery as i find myself getting stronger every day. despite needing a considerable amount of oxygen to exercise. i’m more concerned about how long i will have to keep waiting.  there is a certain amount of guilt along with this impatience but i fight that off the best i can.

needing so much oxygen to go out and do anything and the need to take so many tanks has become stressful. because of the fact that i need it while at rest i have to take even more oxygen with me and its a dangerous game of chance when i’m not aware of how long i’ll be out. i think that for the majority of time that i have been sick i have normally been able to sit in room air while at rest. that made it very easy to conserve oxygen while i was out. now i sometimes can’t even get away with turning down below 6L. i will start to cough and have to turn it back up. this creates a very constant reminder of how sick i am.

so i am eager to get new lungs and get back to life. life without the ball and chain of oxygen tanks and 50 feet of tubing all over the house. life without the pain of being short of breath. which is a new thing, the pain that is. sometimes even with high amounts of oxygen for exercise and cleaning i will have to stop and rest. for quite awhile. struggling to catch my breath. pain in my chest and panic in my brain.

for the most part i have done OK at taking care of myself. i try so hard to follow my diet and i exercise every day. except for the weekends when i tend to binge and either do a half assed workout or not at all. every bad habit surfaces during the laziness of the weekend. i did better this past weekend and i need to do even better from now on. i want to lose at least 10lbs by the 28th when i see my transplant dr for my 3 month follow up. according to my scale i have lost body fat but went from losing a lb each day to gaining a lb each day the last 2 days.

so i have to try harder. i have to work harder. i exercise more and more each day. i went from 200 crunches a day to 375. i use 5lb ankle weights instead of just 1lb. i’m going to add more poses from my DDPYoga program today. i’m pushing myself as much as my oxygen will allow.

every time i fall i get back up. i will just have to keep getting back up until i have disciplined myself not to fall anymore. or at least not fall so far.