Despite your comforting sounds

by kaleidegirl

I’m really struggling with my illness. With the day to day of my serious limitations. With the pain of being unable to breathe.

It’s been especially bad, progressively bad, the last couple weeks. I’m avoiding a call to the Dr on the hope that it’s just a side effect of tapering my prednisone burst too fast. We’ve dealt with that before. I’m ok if I just rest. Try not to move too fast when I get up.

It’s no way to live and it hurts my chances of a speedy recovery if I got the call right now. But. I’m not so out of shape that I am overly concerned about that. My body is strong. I’m confident that I will be able to get up and walk when the time comes. When I can breathe.

While I wait though, while I struggle to catch my breath and the pain makes me cry… I’m fighting to keep fighting, but it’s so hard, it’s so very hard. I feel like I’m losing the battle and no one understands. How could they? They can’t feel the pain of not being able to breathe. The feeling of drowning on dry land. The sheer terror.

It’s lonely here in my fear. When I’m gasping for air the only thing that can save me is finally being able to breathe. Out of guilt I will try to hide my pain. I will pretend I’m ok even if I’m not.

I don’t care how depressing this is. No, that’s not true, I do care, I do feel bad, I should keep this to myself and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry for the honesty that might upset you.

I just feel compelled to be honest. Maybe I’m hoping that the sharing of pain is the halving of pain.