“but I don’t wanna live that way reading into every word you say…”

today is my favorite holiday and i’m not seeing myself being able to enjoy it.

i’m dealing with some pretty heavy, stressful, hurtful shit. i’m pretty fed up and trying not to go off the rails like i did back in 2009.


the meanness and condescension is just killing me. my poor health is being used against me constantly. i’m treated more like a child than an adult in need of help and support.

i’m just so hurt. i’m scared. i feel alone. i feel neglected and invalidated.

i’m not trying to whine and complain. i am trying to let myself feel these things so i can find a way to cope. ideally, find a way to change things.

i am fully aware that my long term memory has worsened over the years and also that since the transplant my short term memory and general cognitive function is severely impaired. this does not mean that i can’t remember anything.  i remember last Halloween quite clearly and was flat out lied to about things that supposedly happened. already having mental health issues and memory problems makes gas lighting especially insidious.

i am also fully aware that i have a childish nature. this does not mean i am actually immature. i “choose” to embrace the child like part of me. i am fully capable of taking care of adult responsibilities and i do. i am fully capable of making my own decisions and my own mistakes. i have just as much right as you to fuck up.

so i’m going to stand up for myself. i’m going to work very hard not to over react. i feel like i have gotten through the worst of this most recent upswing and i am stumbling through the down but coming through it.