“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: November, 2017

now you’re just somebody that i used to know

at some point in the last several years i seem to have lost my voice, my writing voice. i used to write constantly. even if i was just journaling.

so often i come to word press and start to make a post and i end up just staring at the blank screen feeling like my mind has gone blank forever. at first i thought i was just not depressed enough to write anything meaningful, then my lungs broke. i figured i would have my writing again to help me through but nope didn’t happen.

i did recently write a “poem” and it was OK. maybe it is just going to be a slow process. we shall see i suppose.

today i actually have things to say. things i need to deal with and hopefully typing it out will help.

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i tried 18 times to write to my donor family. when i told Mary i was having trouble she offered to do it. so great! now i just need to print out the donor letter and a letter she wrote to me while i was sedated and paralyzed. so all i have to do is print out a couple pics. i don’t know anything about my donor. they don’t know anything about me most likely. i’m sure i will post about that if/when it happens.

 

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i saw a cardiologist yesterday.  based on her opinion that my heart is fine and what she read on my MRI report, she’s pretty sure i had a stroke or mini stroke. i was really hoping my meds were the cause of my broken brain. i see a neurologist on the 15th and hope for not so bad news.

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my weight went up quite a bit recently. at my heaviest i was at 204# i freaked out and am down to 199# after just a few days. i just had to stop eating when i was full. i was forced to clean my plate growing up due to lack of knowing when we’d eat again so its hard to leave food on my plate. i’ve started pushing half of it aside to remind me not to keep eating if i was full. aside from weight gain, eating often makes me feel sick. eating less means less sick but its still there.

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i’m sure its me being paranoid and making assumptions but i feel very much like Chris is so sick of me talking so much and forgetting so much that he has just given up on talking to me. i asked him if i showed him something and he said no and that was it. not “no, let me see it” it felt like “no, cuz i don’t care”. like i said, i’m sure its me and not his fault or intention but if someone cuts you on accident does it hurt any less?

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the unbearable gift of life

Tell me how to believe
Is karma really such a bitch,
Like everyone says?
Do I wear something special,
Will that help my cause?

They say I look great
They say I’m so brave
They say I’m their win
They say and say and say

It’s my everyday, my tired and my guilt.

If I could just do better
If I just exercised more,
Skipped dessert,
If I stopped at one glass…
Rather than three.

They call it a gift.
They call it a blessing.
They even call it a miracle.
I call it more, more time, more moments, more sunrises and sunsets.
More of my selfishness.

We throw around all the cliches,
No idea how literal they truly are,
This is my life, this is me, finally,
Lifting up to release the pause button.
But what is this life?

Show me how to pray
Do I have to kneel?
That will hurt my rug burned knees
Teach me about faith and
Why I have never had any. These things plague me, leave me lost and confused.

The worst part
When you are unhappy
You have to be sure no one
Sees or hears because
“At least you can breathe”.