“if you don’t expect too much from me you might not be let down”

by kaleidegirl

this isn’t going to be a “2017 was “such and such and so forth and so on” post. just so you know.

i could sit back and reflect on the previous year but all i need to think about and dedicate myself to is breathing with these hand me down lungs. (i don’t mean that in a negative way) as far as i’m concerned that is the whole of 2016 for me.

i saw my psych dr and was able to tell him i’m doing OK. i’m sleeping and my anxiety is better. granted, i wouldn’t have been able to say that a couple weeks ago.

i am mostly OK. mainly i just wish i could be invisible until i lose at least like 20#. it literally grosses me out to look in the mirror. i never thought i would let myself get like this. it is devastating. i’m hovering around 210#so i’m working even harder on sticking to my diet and exercise. i’m hoping getting my dreads back in will help a bit. they give me a lot of confidence for some reason. *getting my dreads in did help*

things are changing though. i WILL get my weight down. my hair will grow out enough to be nicely styled for Mary’s wedding. I will get better at photography. i will get whatever tattoos i want. i will go where i want. i will be kinder to my husband. i will be kinder to everyone. i’m ok with not being part of the club. i have new friends and the tried and true forever friends. i’m sincerely fortunate to know the people i know.

i was in a funk for awhile the last couple months but i’m coming out of it. i got my nails done, almost all of my dreads are in. (sister had to get to work). i’m going to do some more exercise before bed.

(i really need to get my nails trimmed cuz the length and shape makes it difficult to do certain things, like typing and texting and getting dressed and such)

tomorrow is always a new day and a fresh start and “another chance to change”. i’m going to do the laundry and clean the house and then take a nice long relaxing bath with a glass of wine and glittery bath bomb and silky homemade soaps.

so

yesterday i realized something very sad. as a child i never knew what i wanted to be when i grew up. i know that isn’t unusual but what bothers me is that i never let myself want to be anything. i was never really able to answer that question. every time it thought of something i was interested in enough to work for it i remembered i was a failure already. my ability to have hopes and dreams and goals for the future was stolen from me by the verbal abuse i suffered on a daily basis from my “mother”. she made sure that every day i knew i ruined her life by being born and would never amount to anything.

as an adult i slowly started thinking about the things i wish i had studied in college instead of writing and literature.(i never felt like i was a very good writer but it was my outlet) if i could go back in time i would have answers to the question of what i want to do when i grow up, now that i have grown up, to an extent. i love weather, all kinds of weather, i could have studied meteorology. i think that is why i like disaster movies so much. i love whales, i could have studied marine biology. this isn’t to say that i regret becoming a mother. i can’t imagine my life without her and i think she would enjoy these things too.  spending tornado season in tornado alley or spending summers by the ocean. for a little while i really wanted to work at SETI but how could i ever be smart enough to do that. they wouldn’t hire me to answer the fucking phones.

so i let myself be denied hopes and dreams. the only dream i ever had that came true was having a little girl. just one little girl. in my dream it was just us. me and my girl and how i would actually raise her and do the opposite, literally the opposite of every little thing my mother did. the desired effect was achieved and we have a solid loving relationship.

this post has taken me days. i don’t know why. i usually publish when i hit a good stopping point. i suppose its easier to get it all out as it comes to me.

i still can’t lose weight. i swear i’m trying. if i only eat one meal i might lose a pound. if i eat lunch and dinner i might gain a pound or almost a pound, like .5 or .3. i’m watching my portions and half the time i feel so awful i regret eating because i feel sick which results in me eating less at the next meal.i do yoga, crunches and walk 1/2 a mile at a brisk pace 3X a week. how can i be not only not losing weight but sometimes gaining a pound back?? Chris is making breakfast and has plans for lunch and is making fried fish and hush puppies for dinner. so who knows how much weight i will gain. i almost never eat sweets. i had some butterscotch haystacks around xmas and like 4 lindor truffle over the course of a week and that’s it. i didn’t get into the bag of goodies we get every year. i do put sugar in my coffee. what the fuck am i doing wrong???!!!

as far as my lungs are concerned, my latest CT scan that was done doesn’t seem too great based on the terms i looked up from the notes. the scan was done to try and puzzle out the strange and very painful spasms or cramps or whatever in my stomach. they happen when i move certain ways, esp any twisting movement like when i reach behind me for something, things like that.

 

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