“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Despite your comforting sounds

I’m really struggling with my illness. With the day to day of my serious limitations. With the pain of being unable to breathe.

It’s been especially bad, progressively bad, the last couple weeks. I’m avoiding a call to the Dr on the hope that it’s just a side effect of tapering my prednisone burst too fast. We’ve dealt with that before. I’m ok if I just rest. Try not to move too fast when I get up.

It’s no way to live and it hurts my chances of a speedy recovery if I got the call right now. But. I’m not so out of shape that I am overly concerned about that. My body is strong. I’m confident that I will be able to get up and walk when the time comes. When I can breathe.

While I wait though, while I struggle to catch my breath and the pain makes me cry… I’m fighting to keep fighting, but it’s so hard, it’s so very hard. I feel like I’m losing the battle and no one understands. How could they? They can’t feel the pain of not being able to breathe. The feeling of drowning on dry land. The sheer terror.

It’s lonely here in my fear. When I’m gasping for air the only thing that can save me is finally being able to breathe. Out of guilt I will try to hide my pain. I will pretend I’m ok even if I’m not.

I don’t care how depressing this is. No, that’s not true, I do care, I do feel bad, I should keep this to myself and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry for the honesty that might upset you.

I just feel compelled to be honest. Maybe I’m hoping that the sharing of pain is the halving of pain.


‘i will let this monument represent a moment of my life’

its been about 3 months since my last post.

i’ve been on the transplant list about 7 months. i know that isn’t a long time but i’m getting quite impatient. i’m less and less worried about the surgery as i find myself getting stronger every day. despite needing a considerable amount of oxygen to exercise. i’m more concerned about how long i will have to keep waiting.  there is a certain amount of guilt along with this impatience but i fight that off the best i can.

needing so much oxygen to go out and do anything and the need to take so many tanks has become stressful. because of the fact that i need it while at rest i have to take even more oxygen with me and its a dangerous game of chance when i’m not aware of how long i’ll be out. i think that for the majority of time that i have been sick i have normally been able to sit in room air while at rest. that made it very easy to conserve oxygen while i was out. now i sometimes can’t even get away with turning down below 6L. i will start to cough and have to turn it back up. this creates a very constant reminder of how sick i am.

so i am eager to get new lungs and get back to life. life without the ball and chain of oxygen tanks and 50 feet of tubing all over the house. life without the pain of being short of breath. which is a new thing, the pain that is. sometimes even with high amounts of oxygen for exercise and cleaning i will have to stop and rest. for quite awhile. struggling to catch my breath. pain in my chest and panic in my brain.

for the most part i have done OK at taking care of myself. i try so hard to follow my diet and i exercise every day. except for the weekends when i tend to binge and either do a half assed workout or not at all. every bad habit surfaces during the laziness of the weekend. i did better this past weekend and i need to do even better from now on. i want to lose at least 10lbs by the 28th when i see my transplant dr for my 3 month follow up. according to my scale i have lost body fat but went from losing a lb each day to gaining a lb each day the last 2 days.

so i have to try harder. i have to work harder. i exercise more and more each day. i went from 200 crunches a day to 375. i use 5lb ankle weights instead of just 1lb. i’m going to add more poses from my DDPYoga program today. i’m pushing myself as much as my oxygen will allow.

every time i fall i get back up. i will just have to keep getting back up until i have disciplined myself not to fall anymore. or at least not fall so far.

news on the radio happy birthday, happy birthday

so yesterday was my birthday. i’m 40 now. i know some lament this milestone event. i know i used to. however; every birthday is a victory now, especially this one. i had a really great day. a great weekend. my husband made a wonderful steak dinner and we had some wine and watched some music dvd’s like we used to back before we had a big fun basement with a pool table. it was pretty nice. like going on a picnic instead of a fancy restaurant. (that comes later in this post)  i got a call from my best friend singing my favorite birthday song, the song she posts on my FB page every year on my birthday. it was pure love. i slept in on my birthday and then went with my husband to pick up the adorable little birthday cake he had made.

*have you ever seen such an adorable fucking cake?*


i had some cake for lunch. breaking lent and totally blowing off my diet. it was a lovely little indulgence. later on i got fancied up as fuck for a nice dinner at this awesome hibachi grill. lots of my favorite people were there and it was tons of fun. i didn’t anticipate the element of danger in going to a place like that with a huge tank of oxygen but all is well and i didn’t blow up the place.





*a fucking ice cream sundae in a pineapple boat*


i do wish i had been able to get around and talk to people more and i wish my daughter could have gone. not just because i wanna see my girl all the time but i know she would have loved it. i told her she needs to go sometime.

i got some real nice gifts. i was told which pet they were each from. surprisingly my husbands cat Bellatrix got me a very nice fire opal claddagh ring. she never used to like me very much but she seems to be warming up to me finally. its been nearly 9 years we’ve had her. i also got a balloon which Siobhan was terrified of which amused the fuck out of us. there is video. its adorably hilarious.

*my claddagh stacks nicely with my mother’s ring*



i had more cake after i recovered from all of the awesome food at Ukai. the frosting was a bit too much so i just kind of dug under the frosting for the actual cake.

*cake for one*


i then treated myself to a full nights sleep and i’m back to my diet and my yoga and lent today.

i’m 40.

and that’s ok

this is my life. don’t buy this ticket. this ride sucks.

i haven’t been getting much enjoyment out of my new hobbies recently. i did attempt to do a decent winged liner about three times yesterday. i have these stencils a friend gave me and i had some new liquid liner. i was not successful and just put stuff away rather than putting on any make up. i’ve got most of the songs for my next mix gathered up but haven’t worked on it hardly at all. i’m reading a book my friend wrote and giving editing suggestions as i go but i can only read so much at a time on the computer and i think even the day to day breaks are making it hard to keep the story straight.

if you haven’t noticed yet, this will be a whiny woe-is-me post.

there are things i’m clearly not allowed to say or talk about. i have all of one person in my life who understands at all what i am going through with this terminal illness thing that has become my life. i have a friend who has been through this and come out the other side with her new lungs but i feel that nagging guilt when the taboo things slip out. she’s pretty awesome and i’m certain if it weren’t for the distance between us we would be hanging out all the time. still. i don’t want to be that person you barely know always saying what no one wants to hear.

i’m going through what i hope is just a temporary set back. a little over a week ago i was barely needing oxygen. well, i may have needed more than i was using if i constantly watched my numbers with my oximeter but i used what i felt i needed, i felt good and i was able to comfortably go out and about with small tanks and they lasted a good while. then at rehab one day i noticed what i was using was not quite enough. i felt it and saw it on paper as i recorded my numbers. it was subtle. after a couple days i told my husband. i don’t like to worry him for no reason. it might have just been a bad day. after a couple more days i was turning up my oxygen at home but the machine i had only went to 5 liters so when i was using that much and my numbers were not where they should have been i started to worry a little. i did all the things i’m supposed to do in these situations. i worried something was wrong, that my illness was progressing. then there was a nightmare game of please-give-me-the-equipment-i-need to meet my oxygen needs. it was the worst game ever and i almost gave up and just resigned myself to adapting until things improved but that idea just made me even more anxious. in between phases of panic i reminded myself that my family dr cleared me. he saw no sign of infection and my x ray was unchanged. nothing was clearly and visibly wrong aside from needing more oxygen.

yesterday things were finally dealt with. they brought me the bigger machine i needed and took away the home fill system i had been using and replaced my small tanks with big huge ones that i need a cart to roll around when i go out. it was a sad and depressing thing for me. it feels a little like failure for me when this happens. maybe i didn’t exercise enough. maybe i cheated on my diet more than i should have. maybe i wasn’t using enough oxygen and that was the cause. i always feel like i must have something wrong. my far off friend had just very recently told me to be sure to “live it up” while i was doing so well. did i? or did i take that ‘good health’ for granted?

i absolutely hate using these large tanks. the cart is difficult to load in the car, its heavy and awkward and it wears me out for a minute and slows me down. being slowed down makes me feel like such a pain in the ass when i’m out with my husband. he has to wait for me to lug the thing into the car and get my seat belt on before he can start driving. then the reverse process before we can get out of the car. i rush and then struggle to catch my breath and then we get in the store and we have to put this huge ass tank-cart-thing in the shopping cart. it takes up so much space and by the time we get to the checkout the cart is overflowing.

yes i am whining about this relatively minor inconvenience that other people in my situation would be grateful to be in. they need even more oxygen. a cart that holds two of these huge tanks and extra tanks in the car with them when they go out or they need so much they can barely go do anything. they need much more even when just sitting doing nothing. they have to deal with the discomfort of so much air rushing in through the cannula in their nose. people in my situation are turned away and not able to even get a transplant. they don’t have enough emotional/physical support to get through it or they are too sick or too old or they can’t get their weight down or they can’t afford it. they don’t even have the hope of a second chance.

i feel so much sadness for these people. i know i am fortunate and i should be grateful and i am, i truly am.

but this shit sucks. so often i find myself dealing with all of this oxygen tubing and just wanting to cry. i don’t. usually. but i have those moments where i become far too aware of just how sick i am. i already struggle to get a decent amount of sleep but when i fall back like this my anxiety jumps and evening wears on and my anxiety tells me i’m not gonna sleep. i’m going to toss and turn in a panic that i’m dying faster all of a sudden. what if i never get back to where i can use those small tanks again?  what if it gets worse and my drs freak out and make me go to the hospital? what if i never get the call? i fight back the tears. i push away the scary thoughts. i try to push away the guilt.

then there are the things i can’t say. the things i’m not allowed to talk about. resulting in isolation and being trapped alone with my fears and worries.

i want and try to protect everyone from the sad facts of my illness but i’m just not that tough, i’m not that strong, i’m not that brave. it is strange for me when people say that i am. people say i’m inspiring. they say i look really good. i’m not. i’m none of these things.

i’m scared.

i’m lonely.

i’m overcome with guilt.

turn around bright eyes


a shorter post because i didn’t try as hard to find good mascara like i did with lipstick.

Cover Girl

“Super Sizer Fiber” mascara was interesting because it actually deposits fibers on to your lashes. i basically failed at application of this product or its just a clumpy awful mess all on its own. i was curious about this because i don’t have much lash to get excited about. i hope this would create the illusion of false lashes. nope. just a mess. might have potential.



this is one my husband got me for xmas last year. i think i showed interest in it at some point and he remembered. he’s great like that. he can shop for me better than i can for him. he just somehow remembers every little thing i look twice at. so. this stuff is purposely clumpy to create that bold anime look. it was fun at first but just not for me. so if you like that look this might be for you. it really does do what it claims. i can’t remember if i had issues with smudging or anything like that. i mean its meant to be a bit clumpy and such. let me know if you try this out and what you think.



this was my go to for awhile. just a nice basic mascara. i never really layered it enough. it was my favorite until i found my real favorite. i don’t have a link for this. either i have the brand wrong or it isn’t available anymore. i know, this review is kind of a fail. all apologies.

Urban Decay

my tried and true when it comes to the eyes. “Perversion” is my favorite everything by Urban Decay. this mascara is love! i layer the fuck out of it and it doesn’t clump or smear or smudge and when i’m done i actually have lashes!! OMG! it is glorious. this mascara/eyeliner duo is what i got for xmas this year because i whined that my travel size mascara would someday be gone and i was rationing it. it is very worth the money because as i will explain in my next post, this felt tip liner is totes awesome.


what is your favorite mascara? have you tried these? got something even better than my beloved UD ‘Perversion’


strangest twist upon your lips


if you don’t wear make up or have any interest in make up you will probably want to move along.


this post will take me awhile. i have nearly 20 lipsticks and most of them are different brands rather than just different colors of the same. my big thing about lipstick is color and staying power. i am always in search of the best reds and the best black. i have tried a couple of the funky pastels but so far haven’t found one that looks good.

Jeffree Star

i think the very best and pricier lipsticks i have is a liquid lipstick from Jeffree Star called “Unicorn Blood”. it is a very deep red. like a rusty brick red. a friends daughter posted a link to this on FB and i had never heard of Jeffree Star and i was sure that, like many awesome things i see ads for on FB this would be one of those things i wouldn’t be able to actually find. i was wrong and it was wonderful! i had never spent so much on lipstick before but this was so good i started investing in other well known but pricey brands. i love it and therefore i only wear it very rarely. last time i wore it it went on beautifully but didn’t quite stand up to hot tea, greasy tempura shrimp and far too much sushi. it didn’t rub off the same way as others do though. i still had some good even coverage it just wasn’t as dark as when i applied it so still pretty impressive. i can safely say that i would try other shades by Jeffree star if i see one i really want.

Unicorn Blood

Lime Crime

my second favorite, one that i wear more than the Jeffree Star is Lime Crime. these are also pricey. like i said, Jeffree Star taught me that you do get what you pay for. the first one i got was a traditional stick lipstick in the shade “Glamour”. I’m not finding it on their site so it must be discontinued. the “Glamour” is one of my everyday go to’s. i came upon this while hunting for the same lipstick that Max on ‘2 Broke Girls’ wears. he lipstick game is killer! as it turns out my intel was faulty or i’m not applying it right cuz its just not what i was hoping for. but it goes on quick and easy. definitely not nearly the staying power of a liquid. it is a great shade though. a nice deep red but very red. the better quality Lime Crime is the velvetine line. I have “Red Velvet” and “Black Velvet”. the “Red Velvet” is a very true red. one of the best reds i have found so far. the “Black Velvet” is also the best black i have found, so far. it goes on smooth and easy and is a nice matte liquid which is what i like. the only draw back that i have noticed is that the velvetines dry out after a few hours. they crack so badly that you get self conscious that everyone can see how horrible it feels. you can’t, but that is how dry it gets. i think maybe using chapstick would fix this but i don’t know if that would just wear it off. these also have a sweet taste right when you start to put it on. its weird but pleasant. the velvetine line has a few other shades i like that i hope to get at some point and i’m very curious about their metallics and diamond crushers lines.



one of my first more expensive black attempts was from the NYX liquid suede collection. i purchased what i thought was black but was in fact grey. it is called “Stone Fox” and i like it more than i would have thought if i’d known it was grey not black. one of my next purchases will be the black i thought i was getting which is called “Alien”. this stuff goes on nicely and evenly and has decent staying power. doesn’t hold up great against food but that kind of last is hard to find in general. i’ve tried 2 other NYX items for lips. one was the “macaron lippies”. these were my first NYX purchase and i got them quite awhile ago. this line offers some more uncommon colors, well at the time these colors were just making their way into the mainstream. i tried out 3 because i got a deal on them. the 3 shades i got  were “Earl Grey” which is a powder blue, “Black Sesame” which is a light grey and “Coconut White” which is, yep you guessed it, white. i haven’t really mastered the application of these, partly due to the colors. they don’t go on as smoothly as i would like. i gave the blue to a friend because after one try i knew i would never be able to pull it off. the sesame is closer to brown than grey so i’ll never use that again either. i keep the white around and sometimes use it to lighten a red to a pinker shade and it usually works OK for that. the last and most recent NYX lipcolor i tried is their Intense Butter Gloss. this was on clearance and my husband spotted a purple shade he thought i’d like and got it for me. (i love that he pays attention to that sort of thing, he’ll occasionally take me to Ulta and spoil me a bit). this gloss, “Black Cherry Tart” is a nice glossy purple ish shade. it reminded me that i’m not a huge fan of glossy lip colors. i like having it on hand when i need something in a purple but it has hardly any longevity and like i said, i’m just not a fan of gloss. aside from definitely getting the “Alien” (black) from the Liquid Suede line i may also get other shades. the liquid does go on nicely. i’m definitely a fan.





my current new fave is my Stila in “True Red”. the color is almost perfect and it goes on like a dream and lasts a good while. i wear this when i want something nicer but quick and easy to apply. i’ve seen a girl at Sephora and at Ulta wearing this in a shade called “Rico” and i just love it. when i see something on someone that i like i just ask them where they got it. its the best way to purchase with confidence. i do this with clothes, boots, bags, whatever. if i like it i wanna know where to get it cuz i’m a big fat copying copy cat. the “Ricco” is a lovely deep brick red. it looked a lot like the jeffree star “Unicorn Blood” but i touch redder. i will be getting this today or tomorrow when i go to Ulta to return something the husband got me the other day. EDIT: i got the “Ricco” shade and tried it out yesterday. i love it. it is very similar to the “Unicorn Blood”. this also has a sort of flavor to it. again, weird but pleasant. the Stila is a bit pricey at $24 a pop. i highly recommend it though because it is well worth it in my opinion.


Max Factor

my first real favorite lipstick is a Max Factor 2 step liquid. Max Factor left the US for awhile or at least left our stores. it was very sad. this lipstick i got many years ago now doesn’t even have a name on it aside from the Max Factor logo. there is also no name for the shade on it but i remember the name because it doesn’t match the actual color but describes the gloss that goes over it, “Chartreuse”.  the actual color is a lovely deep burgundy and the gloss top coat is a shimmery green. i know it sounds like a very strange combination but i really love it. i have actually purchased this a couple times from the store and then through eBay, yes eBay, because Max Factor literally disappeared from stores and i just had to have it.  the first time i bought it on eBay i was able to snag it for just a few bucks so i got 2. yes, i like this stuff that much. the last time i got it i was only able to get one because it was far more expensive. this was before i even knew about places like Lime Crime and jeffree star let alone could afford them. the very most wonderful and impressive things about this lipstick is its staying power. this stuff does not budge. i haven’t met a food yet that will touch it. i literally have to scrub this stuff, especially if i don’t have make up remover. some people don’t like that kind of staying power but i love it. this lipstick is my holy grail of lipsticks and only very rarely wear it. if you can find it, it is most definitely worth the money. i assume all the shades from this line would be just as impressive.



one of my daily lipsticks for when i’m in more of a hurry is another 2 step. L’Oreal Infallible Pro-Last in “Red”. its a very true red with a nice mild gloss top coat. the staying power is better than most and it goes on fairly quick and easy. this is one of my go to every day lipsticks.


Cover Girl

my other day to day 2 step is Cover Girl Outlast All- Day lipcolor in a shade called “Eternal Flame”. it wants to be red, it really does but it has a tiny bit of a coral hue to it. it goes on easily enough and has decent staying power but i don’t wear it often because of the color. if i wasn’t so obsessed with the hunt for the perfect red i might like this brand in a different shade, maybe a burgundy. it does look like the shade “Ever Red-dy” might be closer to my preference. not bad quality for the price.


Absolute New York

recently i purchased some make up from a site recommended by a YouTube review. one of the things i got was the Velvet Lippie by Absolute New York. i got 2 shades; “Razzle” and “Fatale”. the “Razzle is a rose color and was pretty well pigmented and went on smoothly. the “Fatale” though was not true to color and didn’t go one very evenly. i had to apply a few layers to get close to the red that it should be. it is possible that it is maybe old and expired product but i don’t know how to be sure of that. i don’t really recommend this brand but i will still use the “Razzle” because it goes well with one of my favorite eyeshadows.



the pink that i have on hand until i see something better to invest in is Revlon Color Stay Ultimate Suede. the shade is called “Muse”. this works fine in a pinch but doesn’t last as long as i would like and isn’t as well pigmented. it is a light pink. so if you are looking for a quick easy to use light pink then this will do the job.



i have a couple of Sephora lipstick products that i’ve been trying out. a friend is on some magical mailing list somewhere that causes her to recieve tons of make up samples from various companies. one of these is a cream lip stain, the shade is just a number “01” but the site says that number is “Always Red”, it is a very nice true red. it goes on easily and evenly. i will definately be purchasing the full size version of this at some point. its not high priority but a definite must have. the other Sephora product i’m trying out is a gel gloss. it is very shiny and very moist. as i’ve said, i’m not a fan of gloss but i may try adding this to the Revlon pink that i have as this is nice pink color called “Pin Up Pink”. i’m not overly hopeful that this will be a winner for me in any way.




my most used every day lipstick is Rimmel Kate lipstick in a shade with just a number, 01. it is a nice red. not too bright and not too dark. this is one of my main go to’s because i can throw it on quickly and easily and for going out to run errands it stays put well enough. its not smudge proof but does hold on OK with a little powder to set it. a little trick i learned from i have no idea. you blot with a tissue then pat with powder over the tissue. maybe everyone already does this. i don’t know.


Urban Decay

i’ve only tried one Urban Decay lipstick. my friend who gets ‘all of the samples’ gave it to me. its a dark purple-ish black called “Matte Blackmail”. it is part of the Matte Revolution line. i have only tried it a couple times, i keep wanting it to be a quick dark color for when i’m in a rush but it just doesn’t glide on the way it should. it is creamy but thick. i definitely suggest using lip liner with this but black hasn’t worked well despite how dark this color is.


this is a failed black. creamy but thick and cakey. just no. maybe this is why it isn’t available on their website.

Wet n Wild

another deep deep purple called “Vamp It Up”. basically a cheaper version of the Urban Decay. it goes on a tiny bit easier to the shape of it but otherwise they same thick cakey creamy nope nope nope.



last of all, what appears to be just a very basic lipstick. the shade i have is a nice mauve/wine color and i like this for a quick everyday look when i don’t want to wear red. it smooth and goes on nicely and is moisturizing but not glossy. a nice lipstick for the price.


so that is my collection. i’m still on the hunt for a decent every day black and i’d like to have a nice pink on hand because i have developed a love of all things pink. ok, not ALL things but definitely more than i used to.

have you tried any of these? are you wondering anything about any of these that i didn’t touch on? what are your favorites?




so just pull on your face, just pull on your feet

my first make up review post. because recently i have gotten very into make up. i’ve been having a lot of fun with it, getting better at certain aspects and learning a lot of new things. it has basically become a new hobby so i have started really expanding my arsenal of make up.

i know today is a dark day for all of us and i want to recognize that but i also need to not think about it because it quite literally makes me cry. so i’m doing this.

today is eye shadow.

for awhile now i have been using Urban Decay ‘BLACKOUT’. i love it. very pigmented which i found hard to find in a black shadow. it has been my go to ever since i found it. up until recently i always did a very basic smokey eye kind of look and this shadow works great for that. my second favorite is also Urban Decay. it is part of their ‘Moondust” line and it is ‘MOONSPOON”. a basic silver glittery shade. it can be subtle or more dramatic the more you layer it. i had high hopes for this due to knowing the high quality Urban Decay offers and it definitely delivers. the first glitter shadow i tried was Wet n Wild ColorIcon in ‘SPIKED’ and it was sticky and i had to really layer and layer to get the desired effect and honestly never really did. it is just so sticky that most of it stays on the brush. the last Urban Decay shadow i have was given to me by a friend who somehow magically for no known reason receives make up samples constantly. it is a neutral somewhat shimmery shade. i found it works well for blending when you want a more natural blend. it looks like it could be one of the shades in their Naked palettes.



its not a great pic but this is what i did yesterday with the above shades. the lips were tricky and not as good as i had hoped. the black lipstick i used was ‘elf’ and i love ‘elf’ as much as the next girl but this black was just awful. think Halloween store awful.it even broke while i was using it and i had only used it a couple times. i wanted a glittery black lip so i used a small brush and gently applied the UD ‘MOONSPOON’ and it worked OK. i plan to try again with better quality black lipstick. i’ll be doing a lipstick review post soon. also glitters or as my bestie calls it, “stripper dust”. i’m awaiting more hardcore glitters. the UD ‘moonspoon’ is just not as obnoxious as i’m wanting.


the next two were purchased at http://www.ikatehouse.com/ based on a review video on YouTube about surprisingly good quality make up for cheap and i was not disappointed. i got an eye shadow palette and 2 individual shadows. the palette is made by BeautyTreats and has an equal amount of natural shades and bright colors.  i’ve only gotten into it once but the two colors i used were great. i did a pink sparkly look and the pink went on great. well pigmented, looked just as expected. the individual shadows i got were made by City Color. one is a shimmery deep grey called ‘Oh so Naughty’. i LOVE this stuff and sadly i accidentally dropped it today but i’m hoping i can still get full use of it. anyway. it is a real smooth multi faceted shimmery shadow. i’ve used it alone and with black for a shimmery smokey eye. the other City Color shade i got was a more matte shade called ‘Girls Night’. its a sort of rosy color and looks nice for a subtle splash of color. i definitely recommend trying out City Colors for in expensive high quality shadow. i don’t seem to have any pics of these. i need to find a better way to get good pics of my eye shadow fun.


the most daring shade i have ever worn is the Manic Panic ‘VAMPIRE RED’. my husband got me this off my amazonwishlist and until i used it i had no idea how much i truly needed this in my life. i don’t know how often i will be bold enough to wear it. i might get hooked on it as i perfect using it. it goes on smoothly and is nice a deep red just like you would hope upon seeing it. the packaging is cute too.



again, not a great pic. i’m working on it, i promise.

the last shadow is a small smokey eye palette with the best name ever. its another Wet n Wild Coloricon called ‘Don’t Steal My Thunder’. for the price it works pretty well. i mostly used it for the white and silver. the black, like so many, is just not dark enough.


so there you go. my little opinion on these make ups i have. my husband is the awesome guy that bought all of these for me. i think he likes it when i find something to do with myself. also, he just spoils me in general. i do my best to not take his awesomeness for granted. that poor guy listens to me ramble about make up like a champ!

what do you use? what are your faves? please share!


“End the Diagnosis Era”

this woman is an insanely talented writer. i’m trying to boost this post because i think it is a very important perspective and could really benefit so many people struggling on a day to day basis with mental illness and the consequences of medication.


Kayla's Welfare

Is it introvert vs. extrovert, or empath vs. narcissist?

Are you depressed, or does the oversaturation of tragedy you are exposed to every day of your life make you overwhelmed with sadness because you have a heart?

Do you have anxiety, or do you get so nervous you freak out because things get potentially weird quickly?

Are you paranoid, or are are you aware of the fact that you live in a dangerous world and you should always be alert to protecting yourself; especially if you are a female?

I rarely hear a person say, “This is my weakness. I have to try harder than most others to do this.”

I mostly hear, “I have/am (insert label or diagnosis here). I can’t do that.”

Will I make my daughter with Cerebral Palsy in her legs join a kickball team? No, that would be ludicrous. But will I ever tell her…

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i take it all for granted even though i know so much better but it takes a strength i haven’t found

i wish i was sleeping better but i’m hesitant to complain. a few weeks ago i was struggling so hard to sleep that i couldn’t lay still in bed and i was “waking up” in a debilitating panic. the only way i found myself able to get through the day was to mindlessly surf the internet in an attempt to not just distract myself but to somehow get through each day. i tried to do other things but i never learned to have hobbies and it is difficult to focus on one thing. that is why the internet is such a good way to cope for me. i bounce from one thing to another not needing to really settle into one thing. distraction is my best defense.

sleep is my escape and i really need to escape. i keep hoping sleep will be more like sleep once we get this Seroquel dose to that sweet spot where it works but doesn’t work so well that taking it is worse than not. i’m seeing the transplant psychiatrist on the 17th, less than a week from now. the pressure is on to make the most of this appointment. i have this bad habit of not really being prepared. going in fairly clueless about how to explain how things are. i leave remembering things i meant to say, realizing things i hadn’t until i was asked and of course when asked i had no idea how to answer. i basically leave psychiatric appointments needing to go right back in because of all the things that are suddenly so important, but i can’t, i have to sit on these things and deal with them best i can for weeks at a time. so in an effort to be prepared for an appointment almost 2 hours away, an appointment that will decide if my status on the transplant list will be active again, i am trying to make mental notes and i’m paying attention to my medication and my sleep and experimenting with what works best. i’m on a self run medication roller coaster with this Seroquel.  i should be taking actual notes, on paper.

so i wrote some stuff down. i hate when i know i should do something like that and just…well don’t. for no good reason. like i should use moisturizer every day and have plenty of good quality stuff that my skin just loves but until recently i was just lazy as fuck. i’m working on taking better care of myself more fully. eating healthy, drinking more water, exercising, caring for my skin. these things that should be part of my daily life and routine since forever but are just becoming things that i do only recently.

on the topic of doing things that are good for me i have found myself a couple of hobbies. things that do require some money but not for the purpose of making money so less pressure to be good at them. i’ve always been into make up and hair, typical girling things but have recently found that i can have fun doing these things even if i have no where to go. putting on make up was always a thing i did to feel less hideous when going out into the world. the more people i would see, the more effort i put in and i don’t mind the effort, it is fun. really. i have a friend who leaves the house even less than i do but spends far more on make up and has fun with it just because. when i do see her she has fun eye make up and colorful nails going on. my husband got me the fantastic red eye shadow i had on my amazonwishlist and i wanted to wear it properly so i watched some tutorials and tried it out and thus a hobby was born. i still need to work on getting good pics of these looks i am practicing. another friend does something i like to do but never let myself really get into because for as vain and exhibitionist i am, i am equally self conscious. she has fun with self portraits. she takes great photos and shows off a fun creative personality. i am hoping i can channel my meager photography skills to have fun getting good pics of this make up shenanigans.

so yeah, i’m putting on make up every day just for the fucking fuck of it.

another fun thing i am doing is mixing music and uploading mixes online for all the world to listen to and probably cringe at. well i have only successfully made one. it was a practice thing. a way to see how the recording and uploading aspect works. i will practice more while i curate a couple mixes i have rolling around in my head. i have wanted to do this for awhile and even attempted it about a year ago. that is when my husband said he gave me the program i am using. i struggled so hard to use the computer mixer which is not as easy as an actual mixer. i still haven’t figured out how, if it is even possible, to adjust the crossfader setting. that alone infuriates the ever loving fuck out of me. i struggle bussed so hard a year ago that i just flat out gave up. i’m a quitter. i tried again yesterday and was mildly successful at at least working the damn program. i plan to investigate using the mixer set up we have in the basement which would be much easier for me. see i kind of did the DJ thing many moons ago. my husband has DJ’d for many many years. at clubs and internet radio. we actually met when he was DJ’ing at goth night. i went to goth night religiously every week. those days, those days were love. anyway. we went to Detroit many a weekend to enjoy and participate in the airing of an internet radio program that he had been involved since it started or very nearly. it was great fun. i eventually had to tackle the DJ thing myself and i had a blast. we haven’t gone there in years. i don’t even know if it is still a thing. the guy that runs it doesn’t want anything to do with me and my husband doesn’t go do stuff like that without me. i wouldn’t mind, its just a thing with him. we very rarely do things on our own outside the house. he likes it that way but i’m honestly not a big fan of sitting in front of the TV every day all evening but what else am i doing with my life? right? he has been asked to DJ at a new (not really new anymore, we just never go) goth venue and i oh so hope that he does because i love that sort of thing. as i said, goth night is love.

i am more or less working on having a life and learning how to hobby.

life goals yo.

i’m doing life like other people. imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? right. so thanks Jocy Wocy for inspiring me to have fun with make up even if i got no where to be. thank you Sara for not being afraid to express your self through photography in all the fun creative ways that you do. Sara is also to blame for inspiring me to find a way to do something i once loved.

i’m a big fat copying copy cat and i have to just be OK with that because i don’t know how to have an original thought or idea on my own and i need things to be a things in my life.

here is my practice mix

there is reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

time for the obligatory end of the year blog post.

we all know 2016 was an awful year. so many wonderful, talented and beautiful people were taken from us. not just famous people, here in my world, two of those people were a big part of my life.

the coming year just has to be better but then there is the Trump situation. many people are sure that in 2017, things will just continue to suck. that is very possible but i am holding onto some hope for a better year.

in addition to all of the death and tragedy of 2016 it will always be the year that my illness progressed to the point of needing a lung transplant. up until May it was believed that this kind of talk was a long ways off. here i am, 15 months after being diagnosed, on the list for a transplant. i was supposed to have a lot more time before getting to this point. it is what it is.

i have resolutions.

i have hopes.